im in a rather reflective mood today it maybe its my screwed up hand or the fact i keep getting older i dont really know which one but i really feel like im nowhere at the moment no where in the world.

its hard to describe, i guess you could say that as far as life goes i feel like a spectater at the moment or maybe its been along time lol

i guess its because i do nothing but draw and without my mediocre ability what can i say im doing with my life... just something as simple as turning a key in a lock or using a fork is painfully difficult at the moment and its freaking me out if i'll ever get better because any talent i have all involve my hands lol this reminds me of when my eyes temporarily went bad from schemes plasma screens thankfully they fixed themselves.

its just amazing how much you dont really think about what you use in day to day live till its damaged lol i dont think ive actually ever been this worried since my eyes lol i just hope they fix ive been going through my drawings an keeep wanting to expand an fix even my video games are being neglected damn this is frustrating ><;

hmmm I've decided to write a list of things i should be doing so maybe it might subcontiously effect my brain lol

finish the manga's im writing im starting to lose count on how many I've started and haven't finished

finish a large drawing of spirited away im doing for a friend and do it well lol

maybe finally start a course of some description im starting to think I've been out of education too long 0.o

start on writing a book on how to help people with aspergers

write a book on why schools don't work and how to fix it

and maybe right something on the new found animalistic tendencies of society and how unless everyone stands up to it it will only get worse

um... thats all I can think of at the mo lol hmm also i will get something done on that spirited away picture tonight lol >>;

Well its been awhile since ive posted, ive really had no idea what i should write lol.

well lifes as hectic as always im just as off track as ever for some reason i just can't seem to get any concentration or focus on anything these days, maybe its the lack of the education system 0.o lol!!

I guess when you just get used to going somewhere to do something you get into the routine of that and its more difficult trying to do it at home.

The other day I tried to get organised I slept to 7pm..... ok im an insomniack but ive never had a crash like that 0.0 3pm was a record lol still im going to try my hardest to get back on track an hopefully finish something lol >.<

Sometimes I think I should go back to college but no places do what i want to do really maybe there could be a story writing one somewhere probably online though... and theres definately no manga lol well off to attempt to get something done.

oh and ive finally got internet at home

you have to use the internet for everything an using the libraries driving me up the wall finding jobs or courses is hell i neeeeed broadband >< even dial up will do!!!!!

Well we've been cut off now i have to use the libraries computer *hisses* but ive just ordered manga and some rock so alls well for a few days lol but i got up the courage to ask so least now i have some new manga coming harraaaah for me its called acting children lol!!

As always life is confusing but not as bad as usual lol straightened stuff out now all i need is my brain to follow stop being such a sissy an get on with it new territory isnt always a bad thing right?

On a lighter note ive managed to order some boxing gloves and arm pulling thing (isnt it obvious i cant remember the name? ^^;)  from amazon nothing like a good work out to take your mind off things though i seem to be developing into a washing enthusiast though i shouldnt have the water so hot but it doesnt feel good other wise lol so thats the strange quirk of me warm water feels dirty lol damn im weird ^^

life just seems to get more confusing with age you seem to stumble upon people you want to be with but dont have enough courage just to let yourself be with them and after you've finally managed to ignore your fears you find its too late.

it seems when ever i have a realisation about anything im always that few minutes too late and i know it'll always be my fault for hesitating for far too long it seems im constantly running after people....

but never catching them because while im thinking they've already made it miles ahead of me and by the time ive stopped worrying and try to allow something new its already gone.......

leaving me wondering if i could of coped with it in the first place but always leaving me wondering 'what if i had..' so as always my indesiciveness and my own doing has stabbed me in the back yet again lol i just cant help to wonder if i'll get over this fear of unknown or forever let it beat me because ive really had enough

Well people are confusing as ever a friend isnt really speaking to me now it was very strange one minute constantly talking to me and now silence i have a huge guess the fact i wouldnt go out with them was a big part of it but since X found someone else in 3 days i wouldnt say they were exactly traumatised people are infuriating and unreadble i just hope this isnt going to turn into a constant occurance it just melts my brain.........

Well lifes as confusing as always people liking you then nothinging you then liking you sorta relationshipships with people as a whole makes no sense to me and the more I try to understand the more confused I get its like everyone has their own secret code on adult life but i didnt get one bleh!

My mothers back and we've managed to tidy the house back to a respectable state so its to hiding for me i think im supposed to go back downstairs some though lol Well thats my day

well today was awful i hate not knowing where to sit then getting involved in charade type games luckily i avoided this by doing extra work but then got evil looks of doom for making the teams have uneven players an they asked the trainer why i couldnt join in lol luckily he gets the fact i dont like joining in these games an since ive done them before he doesnt see the need to force me for a third time lol Homes just as bad where evil dog reigns supreme i guess it gets to me the fact that my mother would choose a dog over me an its not even a nice dog it just shrieks an bites i mean if it was a nice cute thing it would be understandable but still it gets me lol least ive been talking to a few friends though